Another end

Ends aren't easy for me. Being that I've been in college so long, I have a lot of time to see and feel endings. I've always been the one left behind. Now, I am the one leaving those I love. It is difficult. I remember last year when my roommate moved out of our apartment a month before I did. Every day I walked home into an empty apartment. When I walked around I heard echoes. That's how empty it was. I stayed in my room with the door closed, since my room still had furniture. I always dreaded leaving my room and seeing the bare walls of the other rooms. It was an emotionally traumatic experience - not in an intense way, but in a slow and haunting way.

I know the feeling of staying around for a day helping a friend pack up all his belongings. I helped him go through all his things. I listened to him reflect on his college experiences as he rediscovered all the lost objects in his room. I stayed with him the whole day and night. I shared in his last breakfast at Auburn the next morning. I was with him when he closed the door to his apartment for the last time. I was with him when he returned the key. I listened to him say the same things about leaving Auburn that I'm saying right now. I watched him as he drove away, car full of clutter. It was the end of a period in his life. It was painful to watch those things, and I did it a lot of times.

This time I am the one leaving. I didn't feel as sad now as I did when others left. I think it's because my departure seemed to creep up on me so fast. I definitely hit me, though, when I saw my lime green room today as empty as I found it one steamy day last August. It hit me when I handed my keys and my parking pass over to my roommate and said goodbye. Goodbyes aren't easy.

Goodbyes always remind me that this world is not our home. All that is today will be gone and probably forgotten. Some human accomplishments will be remembered for a few hundred years, perhaps, or even a thousand. Most memories, however, will vanish into dust. The thing is, nothing can be done about the past. For all the regret people have about not being able to change the past, there is also great comfort in the fact that the past will never be undone. My time at Auburn is now untouchable. There is nothing anyone can do to undo it. The friendships that existed cannot unexist. Yesterday is forever untouchable. It remains in the eternal and infinite gaze of God, who sees everything as if it were present. Ultimately, this life is a journey and not a destination. Journeys continue on.

I don't mean for this blog post to be depressing. With every end there is always the excitement of new beginnings. It's good for me to give voice to my feelings as they happen, though, and I will admit I am sad. For all the things I keep tightly guarded from any outside onlookers, please enjoy this morsel of genuine emotion from me.

Right now, I believe this song captures my feeling pretty well.